Before They Died, They Lived: International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day
When I lost my mom to suicide in 2009, I was gifted with many explicit and implicit grief guidelines. I should not feel guilty. Anger was encouraged. And it was definitely best to keep the details of her death…vague. Not surprisingly, the minimization of my experience - and the stigma-fueled need to keep the sharing quiet - only created more trauma.
November 23rd, 2019 is International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day. For me, I've re-framed this day as being a moment to not only talk about suicide through the lens of prevention, but also as an opportunity to shine a spotlight on those we've lost within the full context of their life and death. The Dinner Party has provided me - and nearly 800 other survivors of suicide loss - with a literal table at which to sit and say what feels like the unsayable. Death - like life - is complicated. And complicated enough without the added layer of shame that oftentimes follows those navigating suicide loss.
Below, you'll find a selection of reflections and stories from other young people who have lost their mothers, fathers, siblings, partners, and friends to suicide. We've done our best to highlight the unique range of experiences and feelings that come from losing a loved one in this way. To my fellow survivors of suicide, I’m both with you and in awe of you. To all else reading, thank you for taking a moment to better understand the complexities of suicide loss.
At its core, these stories represent a community of human beings who have been forced to experience a truly brutal offering from life. And yet we keep on living.
With love, Elizabeth
TDP NYC + Former TDP Community Manager
Guinevere | Haslett, MI
What's the name of the person you lost? Matthew David
What was your relationship to them? Wife
What is your favorite memory of them? The way he comforted me, “you can never disappoint me”.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? A friend told me that suicide is caused by something like a cancer of the emotions. Thinking of Matt dying from emotional cancer was comforting to me—it took away my guilt that I somehow didn’t do “enough” to stop it.
Ashley | Chicago, IL
What's the name of the person you lost? Mary Lou
What was their relationship to you? My mom
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? I miss my mom's face. I would always look at her blue eyes and smooth skin and think how pretty she was. I miss watching her interact with my dad and being able to see how much they loved each other. I miss the way she would hold and rub my hand. I don't miss watching the mother I loved so much fade away because of depression and anxiety.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? My close friends traveled countless hours to be at the visitation and funeral, but the most impactful think was that they acted NORMAL around me. We laughed, drank wine, talked about my mom, talked about suicide, and it was so impactful to be able to be myself in those first few weeks.
Theodore | New York, NY
What's the name of the person you lost? Nadine Simone
What was their relationship to you? Sister
What is your favorite memory of them? Too many to pick one, I would say my favourite is when I was 8 years old, my sister (then 20) bought me a sweater for Christmas. I was so sad but she said to "open and let me see if it fits you", out falls the one videogame I was begging my parents to get me. I hate surprises but that was the only time I was ever happy to be surprised. It wasn't the gift so much as the fact she knew EXACTLY at every single moment in my life how to make me feel special.
Is there anything else that you want to share or that you wish we had asked you? I would say perhaps the best thing would be to share with everyone that life is hard. But it doesn't mean it needs to be hard and on your own. Sharing a bit of the load is how we all get through the hard days and it's what we want to do during the good ones. Don't be a stranger.
Dorothy | San Francisco, CA
What's the name of the person you lost? Olivia
What was their relationship to you? Sister
What is your favorite memory of them? Her laugh.
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? I miss her advice.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Tell me memories they had of my sister.
Read more from Dorothy here.
Kara | Jackson, MI
What's the name of the person you lost? Jon
What was your relationship to them? Jon is my brother. Both my brothers and I were adopted from different countries and at different ages. Jon came into our family as an older adoption, so we are the same age, but not blood related. He hated me at first, even cut me out of family pictures, but as we grew older, we became really close.
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? I miss having someone to call whenever anything goes wrong. He and I used to vent about anything and everything to each other.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? A friend sent me a letter about a month after his death. She told me that she waited so long because she knew from experience that that is when people stop checking in on you. She also knew that Jon had a rock collection and she made me a display case with a picture of him so I can display his rock collection.
Betsy | New York, NY
What's the name of the person you lost? Joel
What was their relationship to you? My father
What is your favorite memory of them? My dad and I shared a special bond over music. Some of the greatest memories I have with him have been at Pearl Jam concerts. There was one time where I was very young and this couple was extremely drunk and smoking pot behind us. My dad had to ask them to stop blowing smoke at me and they laughed in his face. Thinking back on it now, it's one of the funniest concert memories I have with him.
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)?
I wish people asked about him more. His interests, what kind of person he was, etc. He shouldn’t be this person we don’t speak of because of the stigma attached to the way he left. I miss him, and I want to talk about him.
Julia | Santa Clara, CA
What's the name of the person you lost? Garrett
What was your relationship to them? Former partner
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? I miss Garrett's endless drive to understand and empathize with others. His graceful vulnerability and embodiment of mindfulness was contagious.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Someone who knows me really well (at the time a friend, now my current partner) told me to call them whenever, without sending a text beforehand. They knew me well enough to know that I need that clear directive—"Don't worry about texting beforehand. Just call." I could tell they genuinely meant that promise.
Mary | Hull, MA
What's the name of the person you lost? Owen
What was your relationship to them? Owen was my little brother
What is your favorite memory of them? My favorite memory of Owen. My favorite memories are from high school and college when Owen was little. I was always so proud to have a little brother 12 years younger than me. I was his second mom and I bragged about it all the time. My mom would bring him to every game of mine and he would play and run around and cause endless entertainment for anyone who was not sufficiently entertained by a high school girls field hockey game. Every game I could look over and see him, so tiny still, with his red elmo hat running around on his tippy toes. And at the end of every game my mom would release him and let him run across the field which he’d been dying to do all game. He’d run right through the crowd of high school girls all wearing identical uniforms and find me, his big sister. He’d run full force at me and I’d scoop him up into the air and carry him triumphantly back across the field. I was never embarrassed of him. I loved him too much. Owen used to come to my room when he had bad dreams. At first he would stand at the top of the stairs and yell down to my mom. I would always wake up first and go out to rescue him. I would tuck him into my bed with me hug him till he fell asleep. Eventually he would just come to my room without calling for my mom. He would crawl into my bed and whisper, I had a bad dream scout, let me in! I never sent him away. I always let him in even when he was so big I eventually had to let him fall asleep in my bed and sneak into his room to sleep in his bed. My mom would come in in the morning to find her 19 year old daughter in her 7 year old’s bed and her 7 year old taking up her 19 year old daughter’s entire bed. I never minded though, I loved him too much.
Jamie | Brooklyn, NY
What's the name of the person you lost? My dad Herb
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? I like being asked the simplest of questions. I was at a party over the weekend talking about home repairs and someone asked if my dad was handy around the house. I like when others are curious about him because it frees up the sometimes burden of keeping his memory alive, the feeling that if I bring him up I’m bringing down a conversation. It’s nice to access a “normal” memory and have all the other stuff fall away for a moment.
Is there anything else that you want to share or that you wish we had asked you? We need to find better ways to talk about suicide. I find it used flippantly in normal conversation all the time, as a dark turn of phrase. There’s also a lot of room to be more respectful of survivors of suicide’s experiences by providing more thoughtful trigger warnings for books, plays, or movies. Be protective and caring of anyone in your life who's a survivor of suicide.
Kimberly | Orcas Island, WA
What's the name of the person you lost? Nerissa
What was their relationship to you? Mother
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? I still get nervous talking about her suicide, and I often feel the nerves from others when we talk about suicide -- but this is why I want to talk about it! There are things in life that might make us feel super uncomfortable, I'm ready to get over that.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Four years after my mom's death, I was celebrating mother's day with my partner's family. His mom raised her glass and said, "for all the mothers who are not here today." She did so without reserve, without question, just openness. I very much appreciated that gesture.
Jen | Cincinnati, OH
What's the name of the person you lost? Joe
What was your relationship to them? He was my Father
What is your favorite memory of them? My family grew up boating and my dad would always be the "captain" and wear some ridiculously patterned "doo-rag" while on the boat. He would always burn so easily in the sun and wind. A staple for our boat trips was to listen to Jimmy Buffett while cruising around. My dad loved his music. We all did. So just imagine a middle aged man, slightly heavy after years of enjoying food and beer, sunburnt, wearing a "doo-rag", playing the air guitar and singing along to Jimmy Buffett while captaining his vessel. This. This is my fondest memory of my father growing up. Summer after summer.
Is there anything else that you want to share or that you wish we had asked you? Survivor guilt is a very real thing when it comes to suicides. You often wonder what could you have done better, what didn't you do enough of, how could you have seen the signs sooner, did you miss signs that were present at the time, could you have prevented it, maybe if you had spent more time that day with him would it have changed things...? The list goes on and on. You just have to try to understand the frame of mind he was in at the time in hopes that it gives you some semblance of acceptance and peace with what happened.
Megan | Denver, CO
What's the name of the person you lost? Christopher
What was your relationship to them? Best friend
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? His laugh & his smile—he had this way of lighting up the entire room when he was just being his goofy & genuine self. It would rub off on other people.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Suggested I go see a grief counselor who specialized in survivors of suicide.
Is there anything else that you want to share or that you wish we had asked you? Chris was a beautiful and kind soul who would put everyone else ahead of himself. This one act does not change that. Suicide is not “selfish”—he was deeply struggling, and even to his last moments here on earth, he was still the kind, compassionate and empathetic person he had always been.
Courtney | Bellevue, WA
What's the name of the person you lost? Mariah
What was their relationship to you? My little sister
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? I mostly miss all the things we were supposed to do, like this year she should have graduated college and gone on a van trip and started her YouTube channel and we were supposed to move closer to each other.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? My boyfriend’s mom gave me a book about suicide loss. My brain wiring was completely shot and the book helped me understand my feelings and my family in a more objective way.
Julia | Los Angeles, CA
What's the name of the person you lost? Robert
What was your relationship to them? He was my father
What is your favorite memory of them? Sadly, I don’t have memories with my father as he passed when I was not yet two. Thankfully, he journaled and illustrated in notebooks that I have and I am lucky to glean some of his essence through his art. I also cherish a video of my first birthday in which he dances with me.
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? There’s not a lot to miss because I don’t have memories of him, which makes my case unique since my loss is different than most people experience. In fact, if there’s one thing I’d hope people understand is that grief isn’t more or less painful if you don’t have memories of the person. Loss is loss.
Victoria | Marietta, GA
What's the name of the person you lost? Boris
What was your relationship to them? Significant other/partner
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? I wish people would ask me more about him as a partner and why I love him.
Is there anything else that you want to share or that you wish we had asked you? My grief over Boris's death has changed over time, but it is still so present. Sometimes it still feels unbearable and like I need a "grief day" where I can just be sad and angry. But, the world keeps spinning and it feels like everyone assumes I am over it by now. That part is hard.
Read more from Victoria here.
Claire | Washington, DC
What's the name of the person you lost? Kathryn Elaine
What was your relationship to them? Daughter
What is your favorite memory of them? Any time I was reunited with her after a period of being apart. I still vividly remember coming down three flights of stairs from my class in my college's most historic building to find her waiting for me on the porch at the start of my freshman year's Family Weekend. Though it had only been about a month since I moved in, I already missed her desperately. I ran into her arms and we hugged as though it had been years since we parted.
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? I so desperately wish people would ask about who she was. What she meant to me. What my favorite memories were. Even about her suicide - it can be so difficult to keep it all bottled up when I can tell that people (especially those I've recently met) are trying not to push the subject. It's ok! You can push the subject, as long as you're genuinely interested. This is especially true if we're dating. I've struggled a lot with bringing my mom up at the "right" time and not seeming like I'm asking for sympathy. A lot of guys just won't probe any further, even if I tell them outright that I love talking about her. To paraphrase the Spice Girls: if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get comfortable with hearing about my dead mom.
Elizabeth | Harleysville, PA
What's the name of the person you lost? Dean
What was their relationship to you? Father
What is your favorite memory of them? Singing landslide from fleetwood mac with him while he played the guitar.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Allow me to talk about my shame with how he died and work on accepting that my father was the type of man that did things on his terms. He left this world his way and that it's ok to miss him and it is ok to not be angry with him.
Vanessa | San Francisco, CA
What's the name of the person you lost? Ursula
What was your relationship to them? Sister
What is your favorite memory of them? It's hard to say what my favorite memory was. We experienced too many things together. And since my sister was bipolar every positive experience tended to come with a negative as well. One of example was spending the Olympics 2016 - Rio with her. We fought a lot but also had some beautiful moments together.
Is there anything else that you want to share or that you wish we had asked you? Finding friends that were willing to listen to me talk about everything I was thinking and feeling really helped me piece my life back together. I lost a lot of friends at the time who I realized I had a superficial relationship with.
Megan | Los Angeles, CA
What's the name of the person you lost? Kathleen
What was your relationship to them? Sister
What is your favorite memory of them? Too many memories!! When we were in middle school Kat was obsessed with Natalie Merchant. We went to Lilith Fair, she wrote her a letter and I finagled our way down to the stage and threw the flowers and her letter on stage. Natalie read her letter out loud!! Kat was so happy :)
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Showed up, listened, didn’t ignore me because they didn’t know what to say.
Megan | Los Angeles, CA
What's the name of the person you lost? Susan
What was your relationship to them? Daughter
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? I wish people would erase the word “still” when speaking of grief. I’ve heard “oh you’re STILL upset about that?” way more times than I should have. Grief is a life long journey especially when the losses are so close together as in my case.
Is there anything else that you want to share or that you wish we had asked you? Losing my mother to suicide has been very different than losing my sister to suicide even though I lost them in the exact same way- almost exactly 3 years apart. This month will be a year since my mother’s suicide and I’m still working through it.
SJ | San Francisco, CA
What's the name of the person you lost? Joz
What was their relationship to you? My best friend
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? I miss talking with them about the Universe. I don't miss seeing them in pain.
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? I wish people would ask what I'm doing in my day to day to keep Joz alive. My mother did once and it changed everything.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? My partner and my chosen family continue to help me search for Joz in my life everyday and without that I don't know if I would be ok.
Annie | Providence, RI
What's the name of the person you lost? Philip
What was their relationship to you? My brother
What is your favorite memory of them? I was 10 years old when my brother died. He was much older than me and lived across the country, so I have very few memories of him. I often cannot tell if my memories of him are my own, or if they are stories or photographs that others shared with me. My last known memory of my brother was the last time I saw him. He was recently married and was visiting us with his new wife. We were sitting outside on our porch on a beautiful, starry summer night. We have had so many family parties in that exact spot. We grew up in a rural part of the Northeast and on a clear night, you could see the Milky Way. My brother loved the stars so much it is impossible for me to look at the night sky without thinking about him. On this night, he was showing me how to catch fireflies in a jar. The memory is so brief, but so beautiful and so peaceful.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? I have many examples of people trying to help that were unintentionally damaging. As a child, I think everyone wanted to shield me from the pain and confusion of my brother’s death. But by shielding me, I was not able to grieve or to feel the depth and range of emotions that come with the death of a sibling. Loss during childhood is a different beast. It was not until adulthood that I allowed myself to process his death. I think it is helpful not to assume how someone grieved a death or that they have finished grieving no matter how much time has passed.
Jonelle | Washington, DC
What's the name of the person you lost? John
What was their relationship to you? My dad
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? I miss my dad's laugh and his voice. He had a full laugh that showed how much he was feeling joy in the moment.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? I have a few friends who regularly ask me, "How's dad?" I love that they do this because the question acknowledges the space he had and still has in my life, and gives me space to take the conversation to where I want to, or to whatever is on my mind about him, whether happy or sad or new things I'm processing.
Abby | New England, USA
What's the name of the person you lost? Aaron
What was your relationship to them? Partner
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? I miss Aaron’s patience, understanding, shiny laughter and way of making me light up and laugh. I miss his way of making me feel present.
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? I wish more people would ask me what Aaron was like.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Once Aaron's family-friend gave me a metal cube as a metaphor for my connection to Aaron. She wrote, “the cube symbolizes permanence and stability.” That meant a lot to me.
Vanessa | Lansing, NY
What's the name of the person you lost? Charlene
What was your relationship to them? She was my mother
What is your favorite memory of them? It is hard to pinpoint a single one, but my favorite memories of my mom include laughter. My mom had a way of making the most ordinary things so much fun for everyone. I happen to have a photo that captures my mother’s infectious enthusiasm embodied in her hula-hooping at the farmer’s market when my parents visited me just a little over a year before she died.
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? I wish people would keep asking me about her. It has now been three years since she has died and I think for a lot of people that feels like a long time ago. Sure my experience of grief is different now than it was then. While the pain may be less raw, it is in some ways more ubiquitous. Because now with every holiday, anniversary, or life event, there are fresh reminders of loss. There are still days where it feels like it might as well have happened yesterday. I think people don’t want to bring her up because it may upset me but talking about her actually does the opposite.
Jade | Philadelphia, PA
What's the name of the person you lost? Evangeline
What was your relationship to them? Sister
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Came over or dropped something off without asking me what I need first. I usually have no idea what I need or what to ask for. The most helpful friends are the ones who just say "I'm bringing you food" or "I'm picking you up". When someone says "let me know if you need anything", this transfers the burden of reaching out and also figuring out what I need back onto me. Processing my trauma takes all the emotional bandwidth I've got at the moment. Anything that relieves me of thinking and planning help the most.
Is there anything else that you want to share or that you wish we had asked you? Sharing resources has been helpful. I'm reading the book "Bearing the Unbearable" and listening to Life After Suicide podcast. Gives me something to focus on and reach for when I feel lost and hopeless.
Laura | United Kingdom
What's the name of the person you lost? Stuart, Catherine
What was your relationship to them? Father, Mother
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? Their presence, love, care, phone calls. Their hugs.
Is there anything else that you want to share or that you wish we had asked you? Suicide loss is hell. People naturally don't know what to do or say but please know that something is better than nothing; in that void the suicide risk of those left behind can grow, their mental health affected. Those bereaved by suicide need the utmost kindness, compassion and love in action. Reach out and continue reaching out even if you don't hear anything. We may not have the energy or emotional resources to actively ask for help but we desperately need to be taken care of, our guilt tended to and assuaged, our flailing, confused, shocked minds soothed. There needs to be so much more awareness and education amongst the general public but also healthcare professionals on how to support and work with suicide loss survivors. We are an at risk group.
Neely | Nashville, TN
What's the name of the person you lost? Melena
What was your relationship to them? Best friend of 20+ years (so really a sister)
What is your favorite memory of them? All of them. But the moment she had her son and I walked into the room immediately after she finished labor and she just reached out to me like I was the only one in the room. That was a special moment for us.
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? I miss everything. So much it hurts. But I miss our late night laughing fits, boy talk, inside jokes that only she knew, and the non stop texting that we carried on for well over a decade. I miss traveling with her (she was the best travel buddy) and being absolutely ridiculous together when we were out in public just to try to embarrass one another. I miss her hugs and lounging on the couch on rainy days watching friends.
Read more from Neely here.
Samantha | Los Angeles, CA
What's the name of the person you lost? Randy
What was their relationship to you? My dad
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? Everything. I miss the sound of his voice, his laugh, his sense of humor, his ability to light up a room.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? His birthday & death anniversary are the same day, so every year I do something to celebrate him and focus on his birthday. Like drink his favorite beer or eat something he loved.
Elizabeth | Madison, WI
What's the name of the person you lost? Kathryn
What was your relationship to them? Sister
What is your favorite memory of them? We were inseparable when I was 15, spending the summer after my sophomore year of high school riding around in her car and blasting Red Hot Chili Peppers. We used to go for walks at night, and walked through my old elementary school playground as the soccer field was being watered by sprinklers. We ran through the sprinklers laughing and smiling for what felt like hours.
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? I wish people would ask me anything about her. People shut down so quickly when they find out she's dead and how she died. I know they're trying to prevent saying anything that makes it worse, but saying nothing makes it worse. I want people to want to know about her, she is such a huge part of who I am.
Corey | Chicago, IL
What's the name of the person you lost? Sharon
What was your relationship to them? They were my mom
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? Miss having daily conversations
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? I buy flowers to remind myself of my mom. I keep fresh seasonal flowers in my home to remind me of her.
Sophia | Nashville, TN
What's the name of the person you lost? Paul
What was your relationship to them? Daughter
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? I can't put into words all that I miss, but I especially miss the overall feeling that I still can connect to whenever I think of my dad--a feeling of being totally, unconditionally loved and understood. My dad's family is Italian-American, and we used to describe our relationship as "simpatico," which really meant we just clicked and got each other. I spent many car rides, walks, and lazy afternoons calling my dad where we would end up talking for hours. He always asked the right, and sometimes the hard, questions. He was able to strike an amazing balance of being incredibly warm and making you feel comfortable while also being very frank and engaging in vulnerability. I knew that we could disagree, I could make mistakes, and I could speak very openly without his love and support ever wavering.
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? I wish people would not tell me how lucky I am that I had such a close relationship with him or all the time that I did have with him when I say how much I miss him or express that I'm struggling. In those moments, I don't want to be focusing on the good and feeling gratitude, I want to just feel and share how much it hurts. Especially with a suicide loss, it's also a reminder that there will always be a part of me hurt by the fact that he "chose" to leave me, no matter how much rational understanding of mental illness and trauma I have. I don't think people realize that comments like that can come across as a reminder that yes, we did have a wonderful relationship and it still wasn't enough to make him want to stay alive.
Kimberly | Australia
What's the name of the person you lost? Elizabeth
What was your relationship to them? Sister
What is your favorite memory of them? Wow, I have so many! She was always on the lookout for me, the typical protective big sister. As little babies she carefully cleaned the wheels of my stroller and plucked flowers for me to examine. As teenagers, it was not 'cool' to hang out but if anyone tried to bully me she would deal with the situation and I'd get a very heartfelt apology after.
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? Ask me about what she was like, what was her name? Don't ask me how exactly she killed herself, if I believe everything happens for a reason, involve any sort of religious affiliation. Most people are too uncomfortable to get anywhere though, the conversation is just a standstill.
Read more from Kimberly here.
Melissa | Newmarket, NH
What's the name of the person you lost? Mike
What was your relationship to them? His daughter
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? I wish people still checked in with how I am doing. My dad died a little over a year ago and I still struggle. I have noticed that people who have not experienced significant loss expect you to be okay after the first year. This is not the case. Grief isn’t something you get over or move past, it’s a new way of living. A new normal. It becomes a part of you. There are days where it hits me and it feels just as raw as it did a year ago.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? After the first day and all our family was notified, my mom privately messaged all my friends what was going on. I spent the week at my mom’s and the door barely stayed closed. There was a revolving door of people that stopped by to check on me, bring over food, and even made me laugh when I thought that was impossible. I have never felt more loved and appreciated than I did that first week.
Madison | Chicago, IL
What's the name of the person you lost? Kathy
What was your relationship to them? She's my mom
What is your favorite memory of them? My mom was the most devoted Harry Potter fan I have ever met. She and I snuck off from a family vacation in FL and drove to Orlando to go to Harry Potter World. We walked across the park and I realized she wasn't behind me. She had stopped a few feet from the gate and was just staring up at the Hogsmead sign, crying. It was pure joy.
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? She often told me, "I waited my whole life for you." I can still hear her say it.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? About a month after I lost her, my friend (who has also lost her mother) left a gift bag on my apartment door. It was the perfume my mom used to wear when I was a kid. I had mentioned it before she'd passed and how I couldn't find it. I wear it whenever I need a little extra reminder she is with me.
Sabrina | Brooklyn, NY
What's the name of the person you lost? Phil
What was their relationship to you? Father
What is your favorite memory of them? Walking along the train tracks by Lake Union back towards our sail boat, after picking up Chinese food. I was six years old and just loved spending that alone time with you.
Is there anything else that you want to share or that you wish we had asked you? Losing a loved one to suicide can leave you with so many unanswered questions and shame. It’s so important that we talk about it and connect with others who have experienced similar loss - nothing has been more healing or cathartic for me than this.
Drew | Brooklyn, NY
What's the name of the person you lost? Tim
What was your relationship to them? Brother
Is there anything you wish people would ask (or not ask)? When people tend to ask me, it's more about me and how I'm doing, and I feel the need to somehow figure out or explain. I'd rather them ask me about him: about his personality, the things he did, or even share memories as many people in my life knew him. Rather than talk about how I am, I like to relive memories of him.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Send me relevant poetry, excerpts from texts, other art, etc.