The Mother
of All Holidays
For those of us without moms, and for moms who have lost their children, Mother's Day is often best avoided. But this year, we're all home, staying safe and healthy, and avoiding the holiday doesn't seem to be an option. So let's face it head on TOGETHER!
The Dinner Party community has found that when we share our stories, we heal a little and so do those who read our words. So we're saying their names, telling our favorite memories, and being honest about where we are THIS YEAR and at THIS TIME.
Read on, and introduce us to your person by tagging us on social media using the hashtag #lifeafterloss.
And remember. WE'RE WITH YOU
Liny | Washington, DC
What is your mom's name? Lizy
What is your favorite memory of your mom? Any time she would come home after work and let me help her cook in the kitchen (she was an amazing cook and an even more amazing nurse - she was my hero!)
What do you miss (or not miss) about your mom? I miss her smile - she had the best smile! :-)
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish people would talk to me more about my mom and ask me about her. She's still a huge part of my life even if she's not physically here anymore.
Hope | Columbus, OH
What is your mom's name? Kathy
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Every time I would talk about my mom, whether it be a memory, a phrase she would use a lot, a song that reminded me of her, a game we used to play together etc. my husband was noting them in his phone and eventually compiled them all together and created an organized living document for me to add to indefinitely. It helps me to remember the small things while not having to stress about writing them down myself.
Jill | South Jersey
What is your mom’s name? Barbara Rothschild
Is there anything you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? Whether it was the day after, or now almost two years later, I wish people would stop ask how I'm doing. I don't know how I'm doing! I'm just... doing things in a way that would make my mom proud.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? I love when other people bring my mom up. Whether it's something I say, or a mannerism I replicate, or a character on a show -- I love when someone says, "That reminds me of Babs." Sometimes I forget to allow myself to be reminded on my own, so that really helps.
Kate | Los Angeles, CA
What is your mom's name? Erin Hinojosa
What is your favorite memory of your mom? I have so many! I think seeing her graduate to get her masters is one. She put in so much work going to school full time while also working full time and raising a family — not only were we so proud of her but she was proud of herself. And that showed so much to me — it taught me to not give up if there’s something I want bad enough to fight for it.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your mom? Besides her chocolate chip cookies? The random texts, calls or care packages in the mail just to let me know she was thinking about me. I think most of all though I miss her calling me “peanut” which was my nickname since I was a kid.
Emeli | Glen Cove, NY
What is your mom's name? Maria
What is your favorite memory of your mom? There are so many! My favorite was when we were discussing about death. I asked her if she would protect me if she were to die. She responded “Always - I will always be there for you no matter what.” I start to cry because the connection was so strong!
What do you miss (or not miss) about your mom? I miss hugging her more than anything and the way we would lock eyes with each other and instantly connected.
Lily | Arizona
What is your mom's name? Criselda (Curly) Magat
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? Her laugh. My mom's laugh was LOUD and could fill up every corner of a room. And when she thought something was really funny, she laughed in a loop.....each round louder than the one before. You couldn't help but laugh along with her! We always used to joke that it was easy to find her at a party, you just had to follow the laughter. And I've discovered that when I think something is reeealllly funny, that same laugh comes out of me. Glimpses of her voice in my own, that same exact sound that tells me she's laughing too.
Joanna | Brooklyn, NY
What is your mom's name? Barbara Hoffman
What is your favorite memory of your mom? When I would take the train down from NY, she would be waiting there on the platform and would be so excited to see me that she’d jump up and down.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? My friend who had also lost her mom has continued to check in, because she knew after the funeral people would start to assume I was “over it.” I don’t think I’ll ever be over it.
Mia | Los Angeles, CA
What is your mom's name? Rene
Is there anything you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? My mom never felt like a victim to cancer. She battled the disease off and on for over 40 years and you never got the sense that she felt sorry for herself. I know she must of been in a lot of emotional pain and I wish she would've shared that more with me but she felt she had to always be strong which wasn't the truth.
I wish people would still ask me how I am doing. It hasn't even been a year since my mom's death and I rarely get asked that anymore.
Theodore | New York, NY
What is your mom's name? Patricia Daley
What is your favorite memory of her? My favorite memory of my mom is her smile and horrible joke telling. She was a principal and really loved corny jokes.
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? I miss her playful spirit: she was always the biggest kid in the room. She would play tag with people even in her 60s.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? I wish they would stop asking if I am ok or how am I holding up. I don't think anyone who has lost a loved one will be ok again.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Just were more present. In terms of the little things, tried to take me out for a bubble tea, just gave me a phone call to talk about random things, just tried to be a friend.
Ashlee | Minneapolis, MN
What is your mom's name? Jamie
What is your favorite memory of your mom? Giggling at inside jokes.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your mom? Being able to call and talk when I was sad or to get advice.
What's something helpful that someone did for you after you lost her? My best friend asked if I wanted to me alone or with friends. I told her with friends so I could be distracted. She made plans with me every single day for two weeks after my mom passed to make sure I was distracted and with people that cared about me.
Cat | New York, NY
What is your mom's name? Jennifer Beer
What is your favorite memory of your mom? I was home alone in the fifth grade. Doing what fifth graders do – twiddle their thumbs and sneak some cookie dough. My mom called me on my pink razor flip phone. She said that she was just about home, but a new song was on the radio by Sean Kingston, and that I MUST turn it on. The radio, can you imagine? I mean the threat that we may NEVER hear the song again on MTV, iTunes, or Kiss FM was slim, but the urgency was evident. She wanted to groove. Our massive, top-notch radio was shoved behind a big armchair. Every time you wanted to turn the radio on you needed to use some girth to shove aside that chair; nevertheless, it was a moment urgent enough to warrant that move. I shoved the chair out of the way and turned the radio on loud, blasting the new song with curiosity. It was a moment where my mother acted as my friend, my pal, my gal. I remember equal parts confusion, amazement, excitement, wanting-the-moment-to-last-forever. I didn’t see this side of my mom often, where she let her mom-curtain down and her play costume on. Don’t get me wrong, she was the most FUN woman on the planet, but this felt like a peer-to-peer interaction, and I was only 12, just one year before she passed. She was a firecracker.
Denise | Whittier, CA
What is your mom's name? Joanna Skidmore
What do you miss (or not miss) about your mom? I miss doing silly things to make her laugh. And when I say laugh, she would crack up!! We would be in tears from laughing so hard for things that really were not that funny. Her laugh was contagious and so heartwarming.
What's something helpful that someone did for you after you lost your mom? Just simply reaching out and offering their love and friendship to you.
Heather | San Diego, CA
What is your mom's name? Nancy
What is your favorite memory of your mom? One year I, as a joke, told her I would not come home for my birthday unless there was a red carpet rolled out for me upon arrival. When I got home and opened the front door there was a red carpet, white lights, candles, strawberries and champagne all next to a life size cardboard cutout of PSY, the one-hit wonder (don't ask). She was so fun and always went out of her way to make things special for her kids.
What do you miss (or not) about your mom? Aside from the obvious, her laugh, hugs and the comfort I felt being with her, I miss the confidence and reassurance she gave me. She was always so encouraging, it was like she was my # 1 fan, I could go to her with anything and tell her everything knowing she would give me the best advice and never with judgment. No one gives love like a mother does, and it's hard to go through life now without that guidance, no one can replace the feeling she gave me when I needed it. She was my best friend.
Jeanette | San Francisco, CA
What is your mom's name? Bernadette Urbani
What is your favorite memory of your mom? When I was 16, she and I ate leftover pizza for lunch on Thanksgiving before she drove 300 miles to my aunt's house and ate all of her traditional leftovers. We also made record time!
What do you miss (or not) about your mom? Her love of foreign languages and travel. I wish I had learned more Spanish and Italian from her and could share my stories from France.
Is there anything you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? She was tough, multi-talented, and loved her family.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? “What do you do to keep her memory alive?” Sometimes it's difficult to consciously do something, but she's always "there".
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Too many to name - and for that I am so thankful!
Amber | Gilbert, AZ
What is your grandmother’s name? Dorothy (Napoo) Stevens
What is your favorite memory of them? When we were kids, my brother and her would play this game we called “gotcha last,” and the object of the game was to hit/tap the other person and run away before that could hit you back. My grandma would always cheat and use the dish towel to get us with since we were quicker than her.
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? I miss everything about her. She raised my younger brother and I when my parents bailed on us for drugs. She was the most amazing woman I have ever met.
Victoria | Jenkintown, PA
What is your mom's name? Natalie Devlin
What is your favorite memory of your mom? I will focus on one memory, when I think of my favorite I forget all memories. I remember when I was 10 we went to Ocean City, MD at the end of August for vacation. There was a hurricane coming, but my mom was determined to get our moneys worth. She has us go to the beach with our hats flying off our heads, sweatshirts on, and hair in our faces to pose for our summer picture
What do you miss (or not) about your mom? I miss the sound of my mom’s voice. How it would go up an octave or two when she called for me in the house. She always called me “kiska,” which means kitty cat in Russian. I also miss having someone fiercely protective over me: someone who is watching out and loves me more than themselves at times. I lost my biggest cheerleader.
Is there anything you wish people wouldn’t say? I wish people would stop trying to put a positive spin on things, like “aren’t you so happy you met your husband after such a tragic loss?” They don’t need to be lumped together.
Evelyn | Philadelphia, PA
What is your mom's name? Cynthia
What is your favorite memory of your mom? While my mom was going through chemotherapy, every Sunday I would wake up in the morning and move to my mom’s bed with our four dogs and snooze in the warm sunshine together, holding hands, petting dogs, petting her bald head, and listening to CBS Sunday Morning on the television.
What do you miss (or not) about your mom? Her sense of humor and her advice on plant care and boys.
Is there anything you wish people wouldn’t say? My mom died from lung cancer. I wish people wouldn’t ask, “Did she smoke?” and would understand that even though she did, briefly in the 70s, doesn’t mean that she deserved to die at 60.
Naomi | New York, NY
What is your grandmother’s name? Evelyn Edmondson
What is your favorite memory of your grandma? The last time I took her to lunch with my partner. We ate and laughed. She shared stories from my childhood. I hugged her so tight.
What do you miss (or not) about her? I miss the simple pleasure of taking a long walk and giving her a call. Hearing her voice, listening to her give me advice. Her telling me everything would be ok.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish people would know that even though she was my grandmother, she was my mother. My grief is no less valid just because she wasn’t my birth mother.
Christine | Louisville, KY
What is your mom's name? Cynthia Johnson
What do you miss (or not miss) about your mom? I miss her sarcasm and sense of humor. I do not miss her drug addiction.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? “Why didn’t she just stop doing drugs?”
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Sat with me. No talking. Just sat.
Christie | Lincoln, CA
What is your mom's name? Ginny
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish my family and friends told stories about her more. I'm sure there are things I've never heard before.
What's something helpful that someone did for you after you lost your mom? On the one year mark of my mom's passing, a friend sent me a beautiful gift. She bought a star and named it after my mom. A star just for her. It came with a celestial map so I could locate the star when I wanted to. To know someone remembered her and honored her in this way brought me to tears.
Sara | Clearwater, FL
What is your mom's name? Ann
What is your favorite memory of her? All our mother/daughter dates from when I was little until she was gone. Just her and I doing things we loved doing together.
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? Just being able to talk to her. There was not a day that went by that I didn’t know how much she loved being a mother. I had heard it a million times, she loved being my Mom.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I love when people talk about her. People generally don’t bring her up, most likely for fear of upsetting me.
Jen | Independence, KY
What is your mom's name? Linda
Is there anything else that you wish people would ask? I wish people would ask me more about how I’ve had to manage and navigate life and new motherhood without her by my side. So many people see that I am surviving and still succeeding and I think assume I am not struggling, but just because I don’t outwardly show that this is HARD to get through without my mom, doesn’t mean it is easy. I wish people would simply ask more about her, more about how I’m doing, and care more about those of us who are young and experience these types of gaping losses. My mom was lost to a misdiagnosed heart attack (common in women) and I also wish people would ask more about that - be more open to understand what that looks like and how they could prevent the same from happening to them or their mothers/grandmothers/friends.
Mari | Toronto, Canada
What is your mom's name? Tina
What is your favorite memory of your mom? Her cooking.
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? She was always there no matter what.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? She was a force to be reckoned with.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? “How are you doing?”
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Someone warned me you never get over it. It fills and then comes at you in waves. Ride the waves. That’s her loving you from afar.
Sarah | Atlanta, GA
What is your mom's name? Riccarda
What is your favorite memory of her? Seeing her dancing at my brother’s wedding. I had never in my memory seen her dance like that, so carefree and happy. I don’t think I’d ever seen her dance at all, in fact. She looked so beautiful in her shimmery grey off the shoulder gown.
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? I miss how she started off all phone calls and voicemails with, “hi Sarah, it’s mom.”
Amanda | Brooklyn, NY
What is your mom's name? Monica Wolff
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? Her smile and her voice.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? It doesn’t get easier with time, you just get better at living with the loss over time.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? Let me know they are thinking of me on Mother’s Day.
Cait | Canada
What is your mom's name? Pam
What is your favorite memory of your mom? The summer before she passed, we were shopping for makeup at Sephora (our favourite thing to do together) and I shared the news of my pregnancy with her. She didn’t get to meet my little boy, so I’m grateful for this memory.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? My mom was the most ferocious, loving mama. This first Mother’s Day without her will be devastating.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? Instead of asking how I was, a close friend would ask, “how is your grief today?” I felt like I could answer more honestly.
Kate | San Diego, CA
What is your mom's name? Ellen
What is your favorite memory of her? Her laughing her head off while swimming in a pool at night time. True joy.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your mom? I miss everything about her. The way she’d always make me feel better without having to try. The way she walked. How excited she would get about certain art and artists. Her desire to keep it moving, always.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish people would ask what it’s like to miss your parents all the time.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Asked about her! Told me they missed her too.
Elana | Overland Park, KS
What is your mom's name? Missy
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? I really miss sharing my accomplishments with my mom. She was always so proud of me (and my sisters), so not being able to celebrate those moments with her has been difficult. I have achieved so much this year (including my upcoming college graduation), but it's been bittersweet without her.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I've recently been thinking about how my mom earned her Master's in Special Education when I was in middle school. Now having friends in grad school, I can begin to understand the time, effort, and dedication necessary for her to achieve that, especially on top of being a teacher and a mom (and planning my Bat Mitzvah). I really admire her work ethic and determination.
Alisan | Hume, CA
What is your mom's name? Susan
What is your favorite memory of your mom? The last day I spent with her, I had moved 1,800 miles away seven months prior, and she and my dad made it out to visit me on a summer trip. It was the perfect day and I got to show my mom one of my favorite places.
What do you miss about her? Hugs, talking on the phone, sharing my life.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? Anything and everything.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? No, I love to share. But after 1.5 years, people have stopped asking and listening.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? Wash my dishes, binge The Office, understand that doing small things felt impossible
Lauren | Chicago, IL
What is your mom's name? Nadine
What is your favorite memory of your mom ? My mom’s laugh and sense of humor could fill a whole room. She was bright and bubbly and full of love and energy. One time in a clothing store, she was trying to embarrass myself and my siblings so she put underwear on her head and danced around. She was the goofiest.
What do you miss about her? I miss her smile. Along with her laugh, that smile lit up a room as well. Her kind eyes and her beaming smile I miss every single day.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? How she died. My mom died by suicide and that answer is so hard to give. I’m okay sharing that info, but the anxiety that comes right before sharing big news can be difficult to navigate.
Jessie | New York, NY
What is your mom's name? Kim Kuraner Spellman
What is your favorite memory of her? I am at the point in my grief that thinking about my mother makes me grin from ear to ear, even though my eyes still water. My mom was always smiling, joyful, vibrant. She made everything, even her chemo, fun. As we sit in quarantine and I watch the numbers on my scale go up, my sister and I have been reminiscing about something my mom used to do that always made us laugh. Whether we just got back from freshman year of college, 15 (okay 25) pounds heavier, or we had been hitting the gym the hardest we’d ever have in our life, my mother always had the same response to my sister and my nagging questions “am I fat?” “how do I look?” “can I get away with this crop top?” To each version of the same question my mom would carefully look at me or my sister. Ask us to turn around and despite how we actually looked or how many times we asked the question, she’d say the same thing, “You look great. You’re gorgeous. Now, if you want to be perfect, I’d say lose three pounds.”
Rachel | Kansas City, KS
What is your mom's name? Kristine
What do you miss (or not miss) about your mom? I miss the unwavering support and love that (at least seems to me) can only come from a mother. I miss her investment in me and her interest in my little life, like her texts that just showed she was thinking about me. There are few people in life that care about you so purely. I miss her on every holiday, when one of the countless things come up that remind me of her, and it is nearly too painful to think about how much I will miss her for the big stuff - like my wedding or having my first child. I just can’t explain how badly I miss having her here to experience life (mine and hers)…I don’t miss watching her suffer from her heart condition. I don’t miss the helpless feeling that I, even as a cardiac nurse, can’t do anything to prevent her slow decline even though she had always cared for herself perfectly. I don’t miss the devastating pleas that she wishes she felt better or that she had more time with us.
Jess | Minneapolis, MN
What is your mom's name? Gennean
What is your favorite memory of your mom? Creating our dream paradises and telling each other about them in moments of fright, sadness, and pain.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your mom? Her smile, her hugs, her laugh, her pure and utter joy, the fun she brought to every situation, so basically everything.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish people would ask normal questions about my mom like they do with their own very alive parents, rather than simply pretending I don’t have one.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? Gave me honesty rather than pity, offered to spend time with me as I am rather than trying to fix my pain.
Allison | Brooklyn, NY
What is your mom's name? Ellen
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? As I get older, I find that I grieve the opportunity we lost to develop our relationship. I was seven when my mom died, and I often wonder how we would have grown together — if we would have a relationship characterized by affection, trust, support, frustration. To miss her is to wrestle with the unknowable nature of what could have been.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? After my mom died, a community of women - many of whom were my friends’ mothers - made an enormous effort to welcome me into their families. Years later, I recognize that their generosity and kindness helped to create an environment in which I felt safe and loved following my mom’s death.
Debbie | Brookline, MA
What is your mom's name? Patti
What is your favorite memory of your mom? We were so similar that for a while, we had a challenging relationship. But as I matured and grew up (and she let go more), we bonded over life’s big adventures - my first condo, my wedding, etc. I’m about to move to a new state and my partner and I just bought our first houses it’s hard not having her here for this big stuff. Mom and I had such similar taste that I knew I could go to her for the big stuff. And the little stuff. Everything I needed, she was there with advice (whether I asked for it or not).
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? I took for granted our regular conversations; she wanted every little detail and I’d get annoyed having to relive it. But in the last 18 months, I let go and gave her what she wanted. And now, I’d give anything to tell her every detail of my every day.
Melissa | Calgary, Canada
What’s your mom’s name? Doreen Baker
What is your favorite memory of your mom? My favourite memory of my mom is calling her every day. It was something we both needed, one for me to check in on her and two for her to check in on me.
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? I miss my mom's intelligence. She was a brilliant mind in a poorly made body. She was incredibly well-read and had an amazing way of words. She also had a way of helping you out with any problem whether she truly knew the answer or not.
Is there anything you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish people would ask me these kinds of questions: “What was your favourite memory of them?" or "What do you miss about them?" I think people are scared it will make me upset, but it's quite the contrary. I'll probably cry like I am doing now, but it would make me truly happy that someone is genuinely interested in what a wonderful person she was.
Melissa | Lexington, NE
What’s your mom’s name? Bea King
What is your favorite memory of her? My favorite memory of my mom is going shopping with her as a teenager. She would buy me clothes and shoes, and afterward we would go eat pretzels or Chinese food in the mall. This was our bonding time together. Today, I’d give anything to go shopping with her again.
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? I miss her baking. She always had some sort of yummy treat she had made for my dad or for us kids. I also miss calling and just talking to her on the phone. She always had everything figured out, always had a plan, and always had advice to give me when I needed it.
What's something helpful that someone did for you after you lost your mom? A cousin had a photo of my mom 3D-printed for us. It’s one of my favorite pictures of her.
Mackenzie | Philadeliphia, PA
What is your mom's name? Melissa Fenchak
What do you miss (or not) about her? I miss having that go to person. I could vent to her about anything without judgement or over reaction. She let me feel my feelings and then talked with me about them. I miss her support.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish people would simply ask about her. The further out we get from the day we lost her, the less people talk about her. I try to do my best, but the reactions when I do bring her up are often uncomfortable. I just want to share the amazing human she was sometimes, no sympathy strings attached!
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? I had a friend who simply always checked in. Even when I wouldn’t respond for days on end, she would still send a good morning or good night text. She was the first person I went to when I was ready to step out and do something semi normal.. like lunch.
Paige | Detroit, MI
What is your mom's name? Sally Erickson
What is your favorite memory of your mom? One particular memory is near impossible. But one thing I miss the most about her is how unconditional support and encouragement. She encouraged the smallest victories in my life, making me feel better about even the smallest of accomplishments. She followed up with me after any sort of project, exam, meaningful day, or just anything that I shared with her she always remembered to bring it up once it happened and to ask about how it went. She made me feel heard, important and loved even in my darkest of moments.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? I never really liked the question "how are you" beforehand. But now I hate it even more. I guess hate is a strong word but I want to respond to people "how the fuck do you think I am, people???" I wish there were other, more specific questions one could ask that address a similar area. I typically just resort to responding "alright."
Samantha | San Francisco, CA
What is your mom's name? Louisa Davis
What do you miss (or not miss) about them? Everything. Her laugh, the way her keys jingled in a super market, the way ice clinked in her glass. Never having to search for conversation. Being able to say "Good morning, Mama!" and hearing "What's new in the daily news?" back. Making up songs together. How sharp, clever, and witty she was. Being able to decompress and knowing she was there to talk to about everything, in a language that made sense. Hearing her footsteps in the kitchen.
Megan | Des Moines, IA
What is your mom's name? Sue or ‘Suey’ Sehr
What is your favorite memory of your mom? My mom was an artist. She never gave herself that much credit, but she was. Wherever my parents lived, she had an art studio where she would work. Dyeing fabric, sewing, painting, beadwork - you name it, she did it. I loved to go into her art studio, lie on the floor, and spend time talking to her about all kinds of things. Sometimes, she would be watching a documentary or a movie on Lifetime, and we would watch those together. She loved showing me the art she was creating, and I loved being able to be in that space with her. The photo I shared is from 3 months before she passed away. She had already started her chemo treatment for a Stage 4 cancer, and she wasn't sure she was going to be able to go to an art class on fabric dyeing that she had been looking forward to attending. Well, she got to go, and she was so happy. She shared all of the things she learned and created with me when she got home.
Natalie | Fairfield, CT
What is your mom's name? Lynette Wagner
What is your favorite memory of your mom? How she would pull into the driveway in her little convertible and carry every grocery bag out of the car in one trip. Walk in the front door and say, “hey sweetie.”
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? My dad took her fur coat that she was wearing the morning she was killed and had them made into earmuffs. He gave them to all the important women in her life, including my 9-month-old daughter that she never met.
Kelly | Fort Worth, TX
What is your mom's name? Kathy Ravenew
What is your favorite memory of her? Our conversations, we always talked about life, love, dreams and her illness. We knew she was sick, we knew she was going to die. We talked a lot, about so many things.
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? I miss having her as a sounding board. She was my biggest fan, no matter what my dreams and I miss that. I miss hearing how proud she is and her suggestions on how to succeed.
What do you wish people would ask you about your mom? I just want people to know that Mother’s Day is hard for those of us they don’t have a mom. I am a mom now myself and Mother’s Day for me even feels different or just “off.”
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? Consistently check in ❤️
Jeff | Los Angeles, CA
What is your mom's name? Sharon
What is your favorite memory of her? My favorite memory of my mom is how every time our family would get together, she'd always try to get us to take a family photo, but we'd always be having too much fun, and end up forgetting. Not always, but most of the time.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your mom? I miss her warmth, and how she always made time and space for everyone, not just me and my sister and father. She was there for everyone somehow, but especially for us. It was almost superhuman.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish people would ask me more about her. I want to talk about her, share stories of her, and reminisce about how much she meant to me.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? No. All questions about her and the loss are valid to me.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? I had so many people reach out, people I hadn't spoken to in a long time, people who only knew me through her. I realized after that, that even though someone may offer some trite saying, or invoke some belief of their own, it's just an attempt to show you that they cared for the person, and for you. It doesn't matter how or what they say even, just that they tried.
Lauren | Toronto, Canada
What is your mom's name? Jennifer Perry
What is your favorite memory of your mom? One of my favourite memories of my mom was receiving supportive and funny text messages from her while I lived and traveled abroad. I told her about my recent adventure of scuba diving and her response to me was “You have done something I have never been able to do. Love Mom. You’re really living and that’s what it is all about – Love Mom.” I always found it funny how she signed off her text messages with Love Mom. Another favourite was telling her about a recent interview I had gone on and her response was “How did they leave it?” I told her that I’d probably know by EOD or tomorrow. She followed up with “what’s EOD?” I replied end of day. You don’t use that at work? Her reply: “I’m a dinosaur remember.” It made me laugh out loud that she didn’t know that term as she was a business woman and worked in the travel industry and they used acronyms for all sorts of things.
Olivia | Michigan
What is your mom's name? Stephanie Seyfarth
What is your favorite memory of her? Too many favorites, but I loved reading with my Mama when I was little. Around age 6, she would read me a few chapters every night of books she read as a child. I hold those moments close to my heart.
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? Especially in quarantine, I miss her creativity. I know she would have made this isolated time in our lives so much more enjoyable. She always had creative ideas for when we were bored. I miss her hugs and smile and laugh.
Liz | Somerville, MA
What is your mom's name? Lorraine
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? The months leading up to my mom's death were excruciating, and a lot of those memories are buried deep. I wish I had more opportunities to talk about them, because that is part of the healing process. Right before the quarantine, my table had a dinner where we talked about what the dying process was like for everyone, and I got to share my own experience. It was very cathartic to speak it aloud, and it made me wish this topic wasn't so taboo.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost them? One of my closest friends compiled a list of therapists in my area who were accepting new clients. Two and a half years later, I'm still seeing the same therapist and am beyond grateful for that act of kindness.
Katie | Wilmington, NC
What is your mom's name? Alice Marie Choma
What is your favorite memory of her? Spending evenings at the beach with her. Our happiest times were spent sitting by the water, chatting and snacking.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? My mom was a petite, strong woman who remained jovial and endlessly optimistic. She endured a difficult childhood plagued by mental illness. She worked as a psych nurse in New York. She battled metastatic breast cancer with grace and determination. She taught my sister and I the simple joy and importance of liking yourself.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? After my mom passed, I had the daunting undertaking of cleaning out her house and preparing it to be sold. My husband cleaned the darkest and ickiest corners of her garage and shed. He was such a huge help to me during that process.
Erica | Astoria, NY
What is your mom's name? Cynthia
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? I honestly don’t remember personal conversations with her. I miss the opportunity to have them.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? Seeing as it’s now after midnight on May 5th, it’s officially her birthday!
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? I don’t remember much, but I can say that my father did and is still doing everything he can. He worked very hard and never missed anything in my life. Best man.
Ashley | Brooklyn, NY
What’s your mom’s name? Angela
Is there anything you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? Mother's Day is hard... but you all know that already. Some years I get really down and feeling sorry for myself, some years I get really angry at all the people who still have mothers, some years I over compensate in my celebrations for the women in my life that are mothers... but they all feel equally shitty. Here's one thing that feels good - I still write my Mom out a Mother's Day card. I tell her what she's missed in the past year, I tell her how much I miss her, I tell her I planted my window boxes for her. It's just a small tradition that I do, but it feels like a nice way to connect with her still on a day that really was MADE for her. She was the best Mom.
Vanessa | New York, NY
What is your mom's name? Joyce
What is your favorite memory of your mom? All of the laughs. Every single one of them. We laughed a lot.
What do you miss (or not) about her? My mother was a sassy, smart and glamorous woman with a quirky sense of humor.
Is there anything you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? Even though a parent’s death is an expected one, it doesn't make it any easier to grieve.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? My friend who had also lost her mother to breast cancer within the past decade made herself available all the time.
Joanna | San Francisco, CA
What is your mom’s name? Helena
What is your favorite memory of her? I have a lot of amazing memories of my mother, but one that still sticks out to me to this day actually stems from an argument. I’d come to visit for the weekend and just before I was leaving, we got into a tiff about something. I left frustrated and was short with my mom as I was leaving the house. I got on the road and called a friend about something unrelated. As we were chatting, missed calls started piling up from my mom. I finally realized she’d called several times and ended my phone call to call her back. She answered the phone and immediately started crying. She was concerned I was mad at her and expressed that she considered me to be her best friend and she felt horrible that we’d ended the weekend on a sour note. We made up and had a beautiful conversation after. I’d always considered my mom to be one of my best friends but it was beautiful to hear her tell me she felt the same way.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? It’s been 3 years so I feel like people don’t ask anything anymore. I wish new friends cared to know more about her. I wish I still had people checking on me like I used to right after she passed.
Yaritza | Washington, DC
What is your mom’s name? Fidelia Hernandez
What is your favorite memory of her? All my favorite memories of my mom have been centered around sharing and making food. My favorite is of us making tamales together for Christmas.
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? I miss her calls, her perfect black beans and rice, her dancing, watching terrible telenovelas with her, I even miss her calling me out of my BS lol.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish people would stop being so afraid to say her name out loud or avoid the topic like it never happened.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? I think one of the best things was when friends let me just cry without feeling guilty. Somehow as a society we always feel the need to apologize for crying. I am forever thankful for the friends and strangers who let me feel without feeling like a burden.
Kendra | London, UK
What is your mom’s name? Laurie Hunn-Rogers
What is your favorite memory of her? There are too many to count, but probably road trips in my home province of Alberta - just the two of us, singing along to Shania Twain & Celine Dion. I was fascinated by the old abandoned shacks in the farmers fields & we would make up stories about what might be inside them. One time she even pulled over on a side road & we went to investigate, though it ended up being further than we’d thought & we chickened out at the barbed wire fence beside the road.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I just wish people would ask about her more. It means the world when they do because I love sharing memories and stories about her - they help me keep her alive in my memories as those memories begin to fade, 4.5 years after her passing.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? A friend of mine took on the “admin” work I was too tired to do, of trying to track down some old CBC footage of her sharing with the camera her joy at being a part of the CIBC Run for the Cure. Devastatingly, they had deleted the footage and it’s lost (I think about it all the time) but taking that weight off my shoulders, and “getting it done” for me meant the world.
Brittany | Washington, DC
What is your mom’s name? Ruth
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? When I talk about loss of my mom, I speak in both present and past tense. I lost the essence of the person she was to Lewy Body Dementia. She is still physically with us but not mentally. I’ve went through the grief process without closure.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I realize some people do not know how to respond, but I would prefer they not try to relate my loss to a distance relative with Alzheimer’s. It’s not the same.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? Friends helped in different ways, but one friend stands out. She was there for me when I received the devastating news, and her calm, level-headed advice was exactly what I needed at that moment in time.
Xhris | Phoenix, AZ
What is your mom’s name? Jeannie
What do you miss (or not miss) about her? I honestly miss that I don’t get likes on my witty Facebook posts or comments asking me how my Chanukah was anymore.
What is your favorite memory of them? I have so many memories, I can’t really pick a favorite one. However, I did really enjoy going to a concert with Cheap Trick, Heart, and Joan Jett and the Blackhearts within the last 5 years (picture above).
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? She was a kind and generous person, but I did not see or know this side of her. I heard from people who knew her in her art groups how she has helped others and how she always extended a helping hand, and hearing this helped me know that she was a different person than the limited side of her that I saw.
Meghan | Carson, CA
What is your mom’s name? Terri
What is your favorite memory of them? My mom drove a "soccer mom van," loaded with snacks and drinks and entertainment. I miss long road trips with her. She always played great music and introduced me to The Dixie Chicks and Alanis Morissette!
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost her? My best friend bought me a bucket of fried chicken a few days after the funeral and he watched me sob into it. It was the nicest gesture I can remember someone doing for me right so soon after it all happened. He knew exactly what I needed.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish people would ask me more about my relationship with her, as opposed to what she was like. While it's nice to memorialize her as a person, what I'm really grieving is my relationship with her, and what could have been. I also wish people asked more about how I continue to honor her. Sunflowers were integrated into my wedding because sunflowers were her flower!