Father’s Day
To tell and hear stories--to focus, to remember, and to learn--is essentially human. So many of the important cultural moments in our lives--graduations, weddings, birthdays, rallies, funerals--are marked by a sharing of stories. In this community, which we call The Dinner Party, we know firsthand that telling our stories and listening to those of others can also be uniquely healing, both personally and collectively.
This Father's Day, over 50 of us who have lost a Father--whether it be our own father, our children's father, or a father figure--are taking the time to speak their name, say what they did, remember what they stood for, and reflect on how it's been without them so far.
There is a huge amount of beauty in the common patterns of Fatherhood that emerge from the stories and photos below, but actually my favorite thing is that everyone's experience is their own. By remembering each Father exactly as they were--their joys, their quirks, and their struggles--we are able to powerfully name how they lived. And in doing so, we are also doing something for ourselves and each other. We are giving ourselves that special opportunity afforded through storytelling: the opportunity to focus, to remember, and to learn.
With love and gratitude,
Karl Snyder, Dinner Party Host
Emily | Fairfax, VA
What is your dad’s name? Mark
What do you miss about your dad? I miss his burning desire to help people and how he never saw disability as a bad thing--even though he had his own challenges with his disability, he made it his mission to help others too, whether by gifting them free wheelchair parts or by telling a funny joke to lift their spirits. Years before he passed, he used to say that he would have a chair waiting for him in heaven, because his chair was his legs.
What else do you wish to share about your dad? My father was an incredible disability advocate, who ran a very popular message forum for wheelchair users to ask questions and connect, on top of running a blog about disability and life. He was a prolific writer, who helped me realize that writing down words can help us long after someone is gone.
Joanne | Potomac, MD
What is your dad’s name? Joe Beltrano
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? He wasn't the best driver. He always got into minor fender benders and had his share of speeding tickets. When we were living in DC, he sheepishly called to tell us he was in the city and that he had got a flat, so we rushed over to where he was to make sure he was okay. As soon as we got there he confessed that he hit a curb, which popped his tire. He was never one to admit when he was at fault, but it was fun to hang out and laugh (at his expense!) until the tow truck arrived.
What's something helpful someone did for you after you lost him? A little while after my dad died, a friend dropped off some frozen meals. There are always a ton of people around during the funeral/burial, and the numbers usually decline after that so this gesture to show that she cared in the months that followed was much appreciated!
Adrienne | Medway, MA
What is your dad’s name? Joel Osborne
What is your favorite memory of your dad? When I was younger, he would rewrite the lyrics to songs to make us laugh. He wrote one about my dog to the tune of an Elton John song; one about burgers and shakes instead of “spiders and snakes”, and even one about our mailman!
What do you miss about him? The simple times. He was sick for years and in a nursing home for the last 4 years of his life due to his early onset Alzheimer’s diagnosis. I miss my weekly visits to him. He wasn’t able to communicate at the end and I’m not even sure if he knew we were there or understood it, but I cherished those visits so much. I really miss those simple visits.
What’s something helpful you did for yourself after you lost him? Wrote! I wrote a lot. About him, about our memories, about how his disease changed the entire course of my life. I have shared it publicly too and would love to have it published somewhere someday.
Samuel | Brooklyn, NY
What is your dad’s name? Jonathan Gradess
What do you miss about him? My Dad was a public defender and one thing I grew to love as I was navigating my 20s was his rational, level-headed thinking and ability to argue from multiple perspectives. It pushed me to be prepared for so many circumstances personally and professionally. At the same time, he was a hardcore goofball. On his birthday, just a few weeks before he developed symptoms that would later be diagnosed as stage 4 pancreatic cancer, he was doing a birthday speech that sounded exactly like John Lennon. That was who he was - brilliant and hilarious.
What else would you like to share about him? I am grateful I got to spend his final weeks with him. He was very comfortable with death because he had led a spiritual life that didn't limit his faith in others, and he truly believed that he saw God in everyone. He was the most progressive person I have ever known, and he championed the most disenfranchised of us all.
Sydney | Los Angeles, CA
What is your stepdad’s name? Robert
What’s your favorite memory of him? Finally seeing Metallica in concert together.
What do you miss about him? I miss the way he supported me and listened to me. He always gave me the best life advice and cheered me on in everything I did. I miss listening to music, watching Shark Tank, and trying new foods together.
Is there anything you wish people would ask you? I appreciate when people ask me how my mom is feeling, but I wish they would ask how I am feeling too, especially on holidays.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost him? My co-worker who had lost her brother a year before came over to my apartment to comfort me on the night of my loss. She helped me process the immediate shock.
Heather | San Diego, CA
What is your husband’s name? Steven Piedrahita
What do you miss about him? Right now I'm missing watching Steven be a dad to our boys. He loved them so fiercely and it's not lost on me that he's not here to be celebrated on Father's Day. He would love the way our oldest is learning to read and the fact that the youngest loves to wear hats just like his Papa. I hope he's watching and smiling at all these little moments.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost him? Checked in regularly. It was a simple text just about every day but it made a huge difference.
Jeanette | San Francisco, CA
What is your dad’s name? Albert Neri, Jr
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? College freshman year, parents’ weekend - he ate a footlong meatball sub in the cafeteria for dinner, took a nap on the floor of my dorm room, and took me to a Bill Cosby comedy show. This was about a month after 9/11.
What do you miss about your dad? I miss talking politics and current events with him. I constantly find myself asking what he would have to say or write about the current political climate.
Is there anything else you'd like to share? I constantly see him in me - my personality, my humor is so much of my dad's.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? His Celebration of Life service was the closing we all needed after a long journey. I was honored to be able to share my stories of him.
Sarah Jane | Indianapolis, IN
What is your dad’s name? Skipper Bunner
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? I do miss his adventurous spirit. My dad made an adventure out of everything. I do not miss his temper, or the unhealed wounds which caused him to sometimes be unkind.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? Other members of the Dead Dad club came out of the woodwork to offer me love. I will honestly never forget them.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish people would ask me where my dad still shows up in my life. I feel him when I am swimming, exploring, or when I do something that brings me joy and that other people in my life don't completely understand. When he tapped into his compassion and humor, he understood me like nobody else can.
Anna | London, UK
What is your dad’s name? David Dempsey
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? My Dad was the absolute best at showing up for people. For me, it was the airport pick up. He'd be there an hour early, park the car and come insde just so his face would be the first thing I saw after landing. He wasn't late, not once.
What do you miss about your dad? I miss hearing him tell me that he's proud of me, and that he loves me.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish they'd ask me what I miss about him or what it was like to be his daughter.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? On the day of my Dad's funeral a friend who couldn't make it sent my family a dozen brownies. They literally tasted like healing and hugs, all of the good stuff.
Nicole | Los Angeles, CA
What is your dad’s name? Eusebio (Joe)
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? My parents were in town for my birthday one year and we went to Malibu Wines. A motorcycle crash happened right down the street and as soon as we heard the crash, without hesitation, my dad ran out to help. We have a lot of stories about my dad helping people out. That's just who he was. He cared about anyone and everyone and was always willing to lend a hand.
What do you miss about your dad? I miss his laugh. It was loud (and sometimes obnoxious) and full of life. It lit up a room wherever he went.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? Not so much ask as saying, "He's in a better place" or, "Well, at least he's no longer in pain." I know they mean well, but it doesn't make it hurt any less and diminishes the loss.
Is there anything else you'd like to share? Everyone grieves differently. While I understood this before my dad died, it didn't really click until I was navigating this with the rest of my family.
Christine | Atlanta, GA
What is your dad’s name? Mike
What do you miss about your dad? I miss the way my dad took an active interest in anything I cared about. Even if we never talked about what the thing was. For instance, if he saw me tweet about a singer I liked, he'd send me articles about them, or text me if he saw them on a late show. Even if he thought I’d probably already seen it, just to chat about something I liked.
Is there anything you wish people would ask about him? I wish people would ask literally anything! I think people assume that it's too painful to talk about my dad when the reality is that I'm bursting with stories and memories I want to share. But I feel like it's a conversation killer when I bring it up, or it makes people feel uncomfortable if they're not prepared, so letting someone else open the conversation when they're ready to hear it helps.
I want people to ask about the kind of person he was and the life he lived up until he died. I want people to ask how he died, and about how I found out he'd died. That was the worst day of my life but it's such a release to talk about. His final days also paint such a great picture of his life, and I very much want to share that story.
Madison | Salt Lake City, UT
What is your dad’s name? Chris Thomas
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? When I was a kid, my parents took my brother and I on a trip to Yellowstone. My dad was a huge nature nerd so he made it a priority to show us as much wildlife as possible. I was really interested in wolves, so he promised he would try to find some for us to look at. At one point in the trip, we ended up behind one of the ranger vehicles with a huge antenna for tracking animals. We followed it into Lamar Valley and got to watch an entire pack of wolves! One of the wolves was jet black with a limp and later made the news for trying to cross into Utah. I loved watching the wolves with my dad so much that I got a tattoo to commemorate it after he died.
Is there anything else you wish to share? I want to share about my dad’s endless humor even during the awful circumstances he had to face during cancer. He always had a joke or something sweet to say, even when he was going through hell. I miss him every single day because of the huge positive light he was in my life.
Solara | San Diego, CA
What is your dad’s name? Jack
What do you miss about your dad? I miss how special my dad made me feel. I knew how much he loved me just by everything he did. As a kid at sleep away summer camp, he used to send me letters where he had beautifully painted or drawn my name on the front envelope. I'll never forget what it felt like to be someone's favorite person, and I will always miss that feeling.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? I wish people wouldn't immediately ask how old he was when he died because invariably the next comment is, "Wow, he was old!" That never makes me feel good, because it doesn't matter to me that he was an older dad. He was still just my dad and I still wish he had had longer to live.
Instead, I’d truly love if others asked me about his personality, his hobbies, my favorite memories of him, what he did for work, what kind of food he liked, where he grew up, what his childhood was like, what he valued most in life... absolutely anything! When others push past the completely understandable discomfort and ask me about my dad, it means the world to me!
Liz | Chesapeake, VA
What is your dad’s name? Robert Flaherty
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? I was 6 and visiting family in NYC. My Dad woke me up and he and I went to a nearby deli and had breakfast together. He let me order whatever I wanted and we sat at the counter and ate together.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? I miss being able to talk to him. It turns out that my Dad was one of my best friends and I confided in him a lot. We talked almost every single day. In the final years of his life, we would go to 7-11 every day and drink coffee together, and I miss that time together. My Dad taught me so much about what it meant to be a good person. He wasn't perfect, but he taught me that it was okay to not be perfect.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? My friends let me talk about him whenever I want and are present in my grief, without needing to try and "fix" it.
Stephanie | Cleveland, OH
What is your dad’s name? Richard Greene
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? My favorite memory is more of a weekly tradition we had in my family. Growing up, we celebrated Shabbat every Friday. We would all stay home for the evening, my grandmother included. Those nights were a huge source of comfort and love. That love was demonstrated through the food, the jokes, and most importantly for my dad, the dessert.
What do you miss about your dad? I miss everything about him but mostly his hugs, his sense of humor, and the endless love for his family.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask? People don't really talk about him anymore. I wish they would. He lives on in my head and in my heart and my thoughts are constantly about him. It helps me keep his memory and his legacy alive. I wish others would ask about him, talk about him, share stories... that way I wouldn't feel so alone. I constantly try to teach my kids about him, and I look for signs of him in my kids. I see my dad in the way my son gets this glimmer in his eye before he does something against the rules; I see him in my daughter's caring heart. They are his legacy.
Tiffany | San Francisco, CA
What is your dad’s name? Stanley Yu
What do you miss about your dad? I love the way my dad moved about the world. He really didn't care what anyone thought. I have this memory of being at Price Club where he grabbed leftover cookies from the tasting station and started eating them and sharing them with me. Everyone around us was judging and making comments and I remember feeling embarrassed but he didn't care.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? People tend to be overly interested in the details of how the death happened. It seems odd to me that the "ending" of a person's life would be the most interesting thing to talk about.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? I joined The Dinner Party 22 years after my dad died. That was when I was ready. It has been beautiful to be able to root myself in community in this way.
Emily | Kissimmee, FL
What is your dad’s name? Donald Gilfillan
What do you miss about your dad? Watching TV with him. That was our thing, we could sit there and watch TV and laugh and talk about what was going on.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask? What was he proud of or what did he like? He was proud of his family and he liked to laugh.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? Friends from out of town sent an edible arrangement. It seems cheesy but I wasn't expecting it and it was a way for them to show their love even though they were hundreds of miles away.
What does this photo say about your dad? The photo is of him in 2009 on a visit to Mount Vernon. He loved history (something he passed on to me) and wanted to touch a tree that was around when George Washington was. I want to share with others his love of history and how he tried to connect with it.
Melissa | Boston, MA
What is your dad’s name? David
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? Going to the beach in Maine every summer.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? I miss his lectures to me about business and finance. I don't miss his drinking and relationship with alcohol.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost him? My mom found letters that my Dad had written me while I was at summer camp and she helped me compile them together in a book.
Is there anything else you would like to share? Before joining The Dinner Party, I had difficulty talking openly about my dad's death. When people ask about my dad and his death, I never quite know what to say. I often have trouble explaining that losing my dad provided me with very mixed feelings -- I miss having him in my life as my father, but I don't miss the unpredictability of his drinking and its effect on me.
Kate | Los Angeles, CA
What is your dad’s name? Larry Hinojosa
What do you miss about your dad? My dad was the king of kindness. He was constantly working on something for someone else - be it a car, building a fence or tinkering with someone’s electronics. I miss being around that selfless energy, a person who was constantly putting others first. It’s a rare trait these days and I try my best to be like him every day.
Is there anything else you you'd like to share? When I tell people my dad died by suicide they instantly ask, “Didn’t you see the signs?” I want people to know that oftentimes, the signs are silent. They can be hidden well and masked with humor, shadowed by always putting others first — it’s a common concept where the depressed person tries to make others happy, because they know what it’s like to be sad. So no, we didn’t see the signs. But now we know what to look for, the importance of checking in on everyone (those who don’t look like they need help often need it the most), and to love fiercely because our time here can be short.
Kelli | Michigan
What is your dad’s name? William "Terry" Pierce
What do you miss about your dad? Truly, everything; his laugh, his smile, his kindness - the way he always had an answer for everything, along with the best, candid advice. He was my person, and I miss having "my person" here with me. He always knew what to say and was always on my team. He was the only person who could ever instantly make me feel better when I was feeling down, and I often feel so alone without him.
Is there anything else you would like to share about him? My dad never complained once about his cancer diagnosis. He said that if all of this happened just so he could show kindness and love to others in the midst of something horrible, he was okay with that.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? Not something they ask, but I wish people would stop telling me that losing a parent is their biggest fear and that they don't know how I do it. It was my biggest fear as well, and it happened. I don't know how I "do it" either.
Shalini | Boston, MA
What is your dad’s name? Dr. Sisir K. Ray (my Baba)
What’s your favorite memory of him? I have many, but a few come to mind. I'll share the last New Years I celebrated with him. Our family friends always threw a huge party every year, and all the parents would start a dance party with disco ball and all. I remember going downstairs with my friends to laugh at our parents and just seeing my dad on the dance floor dancing in the middle. Being a dancer myself, in no way was he a good dancer, but he was having the time of his life and was never embarrassed to do anything.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? My dad was SO good at everything he put his mind to: he was a star athlete, phenomenal cook, had a green thumb, and he could literally figure out any problem you gave him. He was a living example of being able to pursue anything and everything I wanted, that everything could be done if I put my mind to it.
Julia | Denver, CO
What is your dad’s name? Thomas
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? My favorite memory of my dad is going to the pool with him almost every weekend that the pool was open. He grew up swimming as a stress reliever, and as a dad, transferred his love of swimming onto me. I loved the routine of him packing a bag of goggles, sunscreen, and towels, and loading my siblings and I into the car for our day-long trip. At the pool, he obliged our requests to "watch" underwater flips and handstands, and threw pool toys out into the deep end when we requested a game of deep diving. He gently coached us on how to take a leap of faith off the diving board and swim without fear from one end of the pool to the other. I cherished these days spent with him and the rituals of this father-daughter time. At the end of every day at the pool, we fought him to stay in the water, and he patiently waited for us to make our way out, understanding that it was not resistance to his command, but resistance to ending our time with him that day.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? My friends all wrote letters to me after I lost him. I've carried them around with me to this day. Having a handwritten expression of grief was helpful to see that I'm not on this journey alone.
Carla | New York, NY
What is your dad’s name? John
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? My favourite memory is the way he would hold my face when kissing me on the cheek.
What do you miss about your dad? His smile and the way his presence would light up a room.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? One of my closest friends took me for a walk by a river and we had a long chat. She also had lost her dad, but a few years before me. She told me that grieving was a lonely process because we grieve different versions of the same person (the father, the husband, the brother). That helped me understand why I felt so lonely even though I was surrounded by so many people.
Is there anything else you wish to share? I think about my dad everyday. I wish people wouldn’t expect grieving to be linear and a “done and dusted” process.
Lisa | Pleasanton, CA
What is your dad’s name? Mike
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? My dad was an awesome guy. It’s hard to pick a favorite memory, but as I just had my first child, this one stands out: we were discussing children, and I was telling my dad I can’t believe that he and my mom had three of them! I shared that I thought I would never be ready to be a mom. And he said, Lisa, if everyone waited until they were “ready” for kids, no one would have any. My son came as a little bit of a surprise, so when my husband and I found out, that conversation I had with my dad gave me a lot of comfort.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? I miss our daily talks and laughs, and I miss the way he would always encourage me when I doubted myself. He was my ride or die number one fan and he loved me and my siblings deeply. Was he perfect? No way. Did he make mistakes? Hell yes, and some pretty BIG ones. Did we love him less for it? No, because he was our dad.
Lauren | Brooklyn, NY
What is your dad’s name? Gerard Bobersky
What do you miss about your dad? I miss riding around in his truck with him, I miss being able to ask him literally any question that popped into my head and he would know the answer, I miss him calling me by my middle name "Rachel," I miss walking downstairs and seeing him watching TV on the couch, I miss calling him "dad," I miss his support and advice, I miss his poetry.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? A classmate of mine, who had very recently lost his mother, put his arm around me and said: "I tell myself that I would rather have 14 years with her as my mom than a lifetime with anyone else." I feel the same way about my dad.
Is there anything else you would like to share? Happiness and sadness are not opposites, and during really celebratory times I can feel both emotions very deeply. I used to think my grief tainted all happy times because I wish my dad was there. I am working on transforming this narrative into an appreciation of how proud he would be of me. Sometimes, I wish people would check in with how I am feeling, even if on the surface it should seem like I am obviously celebrating.
Dana | Chicago, IL
What is your dad’s name? Tom Stamos
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? So many. One of my favorite memories is getting caught in a blizzard with him driving up to our lake house in Wisconsin. The roads were so bad, I had to stick my head out the window to keep us from veering into the woods as my dad drove. I wasn't scared because he was with me. When we got to the house, the power was out. So, we made a fire and drank beers and ate cheese and crackers for dinner. We talked and laughed. It seems so simple, but I would give anything to go back to that moment with him.
What do you miss about your dad? I miss his smile. I miss how safe and confident he made me feel. I miss how he would tell me that my 'grumpy days' are 'good days' for most people. I miss his dance moves and his grilled cheese sandwiches and his hugs. I think I miss his hugs the most.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish more people would ask about the ways in which my dad and I are alike. Most people don't ask about him at all. I got so much from him, the best parts of him are the best parts of me, too. I am goofy because he was. I only know about baseball because he taught me. My heart holds onto the feelings of others because his did, too.
Joe | Des Moines, IA
What is your dad’s name? Deon Pitsor
What’s one of your favorite memories of your dad? The last time we went out to eat as a family. It was about 2 months before he passed away from melanoma skin cancer, and he’d just had a steroid treatment that made him feel the most energized he’d felt in weeks. We went out to eat at the best seafood restaurant in town and heard stories about mom and dad’s engagement while laughing over amazing food and wine. It felt just like one of the carefree family meals we had before he got cancer. I’d give anything to relive that meal and will cherish the memory of it for the rest of my life.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? My friend Liz pulled out all the stops in the aftermath of my dad’s death. I have this quirky interest in struggling shopping malls and she organized a whole day trip to a mostly vacant mall in Des Moines called Southridge to help get my mind off of everything happening. I’ll always cherish and appreciate that day at Southridge.
Collett | Washington, DC
What is your dad’s name? William
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? My elementary school was designed with all of the classrooms situated on a long hallway with a stairwell at either side. At the end of the day, the parents would stride up those steps to pick up their kids who were waiting in the hall. I always loved this moment because it meant that I could run down that long hallway, with my oversized backpack swinging precariously on my tiny frame, and leap onto his back. (And, of course, I knew all the other kids were watching and jealous.) But most of all, I was excited to jump on his back because it meant we were going to have our daily ‘moment’. Our own secret conference with me whispering in his ear every little detail of my day’s adventures and him sharing the same back about his. I treasured those moments simply as a couple of minutes to be with my dad.
What do you miss about him? I don’t think that I appreciated this until I was older, around high school or the beginning of college, but I started to notice how many topics he became an ‘expert’ on just because one of his friends, my mom, or I mentioned them. It was through this pursuit of learning that he really showed his love for others.
Greg | Philadelphia, PA
What is your dad’s name? Pete
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? Living near Syracuse, New York, my Dad never wanted me to go far away to attend college. But when I first visited Tulane University in New Orleans, I was hooked. When I first left for college and every time I would head back after being home for a break, my Dad would sob. He is a big teddy bear and it showed through his tears. He just wanted me close to home to spend more time together and I miss his hugs.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? On the day my Dad died, the last thing he ate was a bowl of Frosted Flakes for breakfast. A few days before January 28th each year, I receive a package in the mail from one of my favorite people. Inside is always a box of Frosted Flakes. I wake up each morning on January 28th and have a bowl to remember my Dad.
Taryn | Des Moines, IA
What’s your dad’s name? Bob
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? He came to visit me while I was living in Boston. It was rare to have one-on-one time together because I have siblings. We went out to dinner, to a bar, and saw a concert. That weekend we had some of the realest, most adult conversations we've ever had. I got to know him in a different way, in a way that was separate from just being my dad.
What do you miss (or not miss) about him? His smile and his laugh.
Is there anything you wish people would ask you? What was it like to lose your dad?
Is there anything else you’d like to share about your dad? He somehow maintained a cheery, upbeat attitude toward his kids and toward life regardless of what he got in return. Even when I was an angsty teen who gave back so little, he always responded to me with unrelenting positivity and kindness. He loved being alive, he appreciated life.
Courtney | Washington, DC
What is your dad’s name? Robert L. Arnold, Jr.
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? Our long discussions while picking and eating fruit in the summertime! Picking blackberries down in the country near the farm he grew up, selecting the best watermelon and cantaloupe at the farmer's market, picking muscadines from my grandmother's vine.
What do you miss about your dad? Him cutting and deseeding cantaloupe! Since he passed five years ago, I've only bought pre-cut cantaloupe slices because the inside with the seeds has always freaked me out. Trypophobia is real, y'all, lol.
On a heavier note, I really miss his guidance right now. Growing up in SC, he saw a lot. It's times like right now that I wish I could talk to him, get advice, and hear and learn from his experiences as a Black man in America.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? Remember and acknowledge milestone dates--even years later!
Helen | Long Beach, CA
What is your dad’s name? Bill
What do you miss about your dad? This will be my first Father's Day without my dad and it feels almost unbearable to think about. My dad hung the moon. I miss everything about him, especially his playfulness, his hugs, his unyielding commitment to justice, his voice, his advice, the little doodles he'd draw, and his belief in me. I miss going to basketball games with him, I miss our morning coffee together, I miss our lunch dates, I miss talking about his latest research, and I miss drinking pinot noir with him. I even miss his stubbornness. He was my first best friend.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish more people would ask me about him. Ask me about his life. Ask me about my favorite things about him. I'm afraid of the world forgetting about him.
Molly | Philadelphia, PA
What is your dad’s name? Joe
What are some of your favorite memories of your dad? Waking up on a Sunday morning to the smell of my dad cooking corn beef hash, singing along to Sleepy Hollow playing on WXPN. Waking up to a walkie talkie on my pillow and going outside to meet him and my mom on the beach with the dogs on an early morning walk during our annual week-long vacation. Going to the new 24-hour McDonalds at 3 am for a cheeseburger because we could. Being woken up in the middle of the night to come outside and look at the moon with him. Laying on the hammock in our backyard while he played guitar. Learning to sing harmonies together to our favorite songs. Skipping school to go to Six Flags together and riding all of the roller coasters.
Carol | San Francisco, CA
What is your dad’s name? William Cadavid
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? How excited he'd get visiting me in college and exploring campus together. I'd have to make him leave the union or bookstore. I would be so annoyed, probably wanted to go out to eat but he'd rather be browsing a bookstore. Looking back now, it's a fond memory.
What do you miss about your dad? His really great and silly sense of humor, he could make anyone laugh.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask about him? I wish people asked about him in general. What was he like? What were his hobbies? Once people get over the initial shock and grief, they don't bother to ask anything about him anymore.
Colleen | Long Island City, NY
What is your dad’s name? Ed
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? I miss the random texts I’d receive from my dad. He had large thumbs and bad eyesight so the texts were often badly misspelled and needed a bit of deciphering. He would text me what the weather was wherever I was, the football game score of my alma mater, or pictures of the family dog. They were mundane but sweet gestures that I’ll always hold onto.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? I was 2 weeks into a new job when my father passed. I took a week off and when I returned to work it felt like everyone was stepping on eggshells around me. No one knew how to talk to a 22 year old who just had her world shattered. No one wanted to mention my dad. But I had a coworker I didn’t know well look me in the eye at my desk and say “I’m sorry for your loss,” and it felt like I could breathe again. My grief was acknowledged. Not just swept under the rug. That coworker made me feel seen.
Elizabeth | Carmel, IN
What is your dad’s name? Michael Cannon
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? He would take me to the Children’s Museum as a little kid.
What do you miss about your dad? The stories and pictures of his hikes. Being able to call him 24/7 when something needs fixed.
Is there anything else you'd like to share? My dad didn’t have a father present in his life from age 13 on, and he did all he could to make sure he was there for my sister and I in all the ways his father never was. His life was cut short at age 61 due to a hiking accident/fall. He traveled out west frequently for work and would set aside extra time during his trips to hike. His first venture was Half Dome with his brother, and his final was Middle Palisade.
Karl | Portland, OR
What is your dad’s name? John Snyder
What do you miss about your dad? My dad had a hilarious, contagious laugh: once he started, he held onto it as long as possible just because he liked laughing so much and didn't want it to end. He was a brilliant, curious scholar and teacher of many subjects. He was creative with words and wrote essays and poetry. He got deeply into whatever he was working on, and when he was zoned in he sometimes couldn't get out of his mind. He taught me how to research answers to all my questions when possible, and how to live gracefully with the unresearchable questions, too.
Is there anything else you'd like to share? I'm still learning how grateful I am that, before he died, he taught me by example that masculinity doesn't have to be a toxic force--that it can be playful, and open, and loving, and still be masculinity.
Anne | New Jersey
What is your dad’s name? James Nelson
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? My favorite memory of my dad is doing fun activities together. He used to proudly coach my basketball and softball teams when I was younger. He also loved playing Nintendo 64 with me, going on the rides together at Walt Disney World, and when we used to go on car rides to Blockbuster together.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? I miss my dad’s bear hugs. After a long day at work, he would come in the door with a huge smile and a big squeeze. I also miss his Butterfly Kisses, just like the song. He used to call me his “Peanut Girl” because I was so tiny.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish people would ask me about him. I wish people would ask about his sense of humor, heroism, kindness, and how much of a devoted husband and father he was. I wish people would ask about how he made the best of each day that he lived.
Jamiyl | Queens, NY
What is your dad’s name? Neville Samuels
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? My Dad walked out on my Mom and I when I was 10 years old. It hurt me tremendously because it was unexpected. I spent my teenage years without a father, arguably when I needed him the most. I was angry, bitter, resentful. It took 15 years for us to reunite. It was awkward, yet we stayed in contact barely. When I finally began to embrace him again after he met my son for the first time, I learned he was diagnosed with cancer. He died six months later, two months before the birth of my daughter. I miss not having him here. I feel that if I would have made a decision to forgive him earlier, we could have salvaged our relationship before it was too late.
Is there anything else you wish to share? My wife convinced me to write about my feelings concerning my Dad in order to heal myself and in turn be a better husband to her. I wrote and released Pass The Torch: How A Young Black Father Challenges the 'Deadbeat Dad' Stereotype, and it was very cathartic for me. It was the first time I addressed the anger and feelings of loss I had in my spirit. The book goes into greater detail about my trauma—the beauty of which is that this story is not mine alone, but that of hundreds of young Black men around the country.
Kirsten | Oakland, CA
What is your dad’s name? James Malon
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? One of my most comforting childhood memories is the gentle way he would wake me up from my naps. He'd put a hand on my back and say, "Kirsten. Kirsten Marie." My dad never owned a cell phone and was known for just on a whim showing up places without telling anyone he was coming. When I moved to San Francisco after college, he took BART up to the city and convinced my new landlord to let him into my empty apartment just so he could see it and leave me a note congratulating me on the new place.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? I miss his curiosity about people and ideas. I miss our long breakfasts where I'd tell him something new I learned and he'd grill me on the topic. I miss his unpredictable, dry sense of humor where it would take a minute to tell if he was serious or kidding. I miss his support and enthusiasm for all of my career/life pursuits. I miss seeing his face light up when his granddaughter entered the room.
Kate | Minneapolis, MN
What is your dad’s name? John
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? I miss the way he hugged me, his laugh/cackle, his taste in music and interest in music I liked, his breakfasts, his emails and letters, our "Power Lunches," his humor, and his love for all office supplies.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? My dad died by suicide. I wish people felt more comfortable talking to me about suicide (his and in general) and depression. I wish more people would acknowledge his light and dark sides and ask about both. It doesn't make me sad when people bring him up (I think about him every day!); it makes me sad when people *don't* bring him up.
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? So many, but one that stands out: We're in his purple Jeep (which he tricked out with blue rope lighting inside) and we're driving along a tree-lined road on Madeline Island, Wisconsin. The wind is blowing past us and we're screaming along to Beck's "Where It's At" as loud as we can. He's dancing and laughing and smiling.
Eric | Brooklyn, NY
What is your dad’s name? Fred Tapper
What would you like to share about your dad? I'd like to share his name was Fred. He was a doctor for 20 years, and transitioned into health food, using his medical degree to help people heal through alternative methods. He was an incredibly likable guy, not without his flaws, but skewed selfless. He taught me about meditation and patience, about seeking out goodness in others. About how deeply your actions can affect those you love despite your best intentions. He taught me about forgiveness, and that it's not about always making life more comfortable, but that it's important to lean into the discomfort. He taught me about how good a tomato is when you grow it yourself. He taught me that you can put a damp dish towel under a cutting board to keep it stable. He taught me how to make tomato sauce, and chicken parmesan, and most importantly how to cook for the people you love. It's different, I assure you.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? He was my go-to when the weight of the world was on upon my shoulders. I honestly miss hearing him say, "Hey man, you're doing great. Just focus on the next right thing."
Lisa | Denver, CO
What is your dad’s name? David Harris
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? I miss the way he laughed and how when I’d come home to visit he’d put his hands on my shoulders, lean back, and say, “Did anyone ever tell you that you have the prettiest blue eyes?” But he was also so sweet and caring in his own way. I miss everything about him.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? My husband never gave (and still doesn’t give) any thoughts on how I should be grieving or try to put a positive spin on it. Every time I come to him sobbing he simply holds me and strokes my hair. Doesn’t say a word except for the occasional, “I love you. I’m here.” When I talk about my dad he talks about him too. In short, it was and is so helpful that my husband holds space for me and listens more than anything.
Ben | Boston, MA
What is your dad’s name? Dan Herchenroether
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? If you walk down the hill from my parents' house, there's a river with railroad tracks running along it. When I was a kid, that was one of my favorite places to go, and he'd carry me on his shoulders down the hill so we could stand by the river and watch the boats go by. In my memory, I feel like we did this almost every Saturday morning. Then we'd come home and he'd make either hot dogs or grilled cheese for lunch. I loved getting to be with him and see what felt like the edge of the world at the time. I wonder what those mornings felt like to him, getting to carry around his little son.
Another memory that comes to mind: at the end of his life when I was visiting him in the hospital, I was holding his hand, when he suddenly started arm wrestling me - despite being in the ICU and barely able to sit up on his own. I can’t imagine anything being funnier in that moment. We were all so worried, but he still found ways to make us laugh and bring joy to our last days together.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? A few of his old friends shared stories from their time with him. It was really nice to hear about his life before I was a part of it. I miss having him tell me about his life, so the only I can hear those stories now is through the people who knew him. It gave me a lot of pride too, hearing how much he was loved and admired by everyone.
Angie | Denver, CO
What is your dad’s name? Jim Ruddell
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? When I was in grade school, my dad would take me and my friend Merisha to the donut shop every Sunday. We would get a box of donut holes and drive around singing ZZ Top for what seemed like hours. My dad always treated my friends like family. He had such a generous heart and was a role model to more people than he ever knew.
What do you miss about your dad? My dad always knew what to say, without fail, even if it meant saying nothing at all. He is the first person I would call with happy or sad news, if I needed advice or to complain or if I ever needed a comforting voice. If someone hurt my feelings or did me dirty, he would always say, “As your dead old dad always says, ‘fuck em’”. I say it to myself every now and then still. More than anything I miss his open ear and open heart. He was the greatest gift of my life.
Dana | Watertown, MA
What is your dad’s name? Bruce
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? Any special father-daughter time we had, but especially listening to Broadway showtunes or going to see musicals/plays with him. His favorite musical is A Chorus Line. He took me to see my first touring Broadway show – Annie (1997) – when it was on tour in Boston. We even got to meet the cast that night! Even if he didn’t have a particular interest, he would make sure we went.
What do you miss about him? When I was little I used to hide under the covers in my parents’ bed. He would call me his little “mouse.” He still called me his “mouse” during his final days when I would lay in bed next to him.
I miss his popovers. He would make them to every holiday/special occasion and when we had visitors from out of town. The past few times I have made them they haven’t “popped up” right – I think he’s trying to tell me something.
Ilana | San Mateo, CA
What is your dad’s name? Eric A Shapiro, MD
What would you like to share about your dad? He was a wonderful and brave person who stood up for what he believed was right, even if it made him unpopular. The way he handled his diagnosis was incredible. His bravery and love for my family was a true blessing. His top concern was making sure that we were taken care of. It took me years to understand what a gift that was. He even planned his own funeral and chose his casket to try and make it easier for my mom. It was so brave and courageous and a true gift that we didn't have to worry about any of that and could focus on our grief.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? A friend called me every day of my father's Shiva to remind me I wasn't alone and that she was with me. Every call she ended it with telling me you don't need to call me back if you don't want to and I'll call you tomorrow. I never picked up the phone, but I looked forward to her calls each day of Shiva because she felt me feel seen and validated in my grief.
Halle | Minneapolis, MN
What is your dad’s name? Barry Huff
What do you miss about your dad? I miss having normal conversations with my dad. There are SO many things about him that I miss, but when it really hits me is when I want to pick up the phone and I realize he won’t be on the other side. I would call him for the most random things: in the grocery store, what type of spaghetti sauce should I buy, or in the car to tell him about what my coworker said that day. I miss my dad every second of every day, but I miss our day-to-day conversations and his advice sprinkled in.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you’d like to share? I wish people would ask me what he would say, or I wish they would share with me his opinions and advice he shared with them previously. There are so many important conversations happening right now, and they are not new. I wonder what he would say, and I’m sure this has come up before.
Stephanie | Philadelphia, PA
What is your dad’s name? Pete Nickerson
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? Sharing peppermint stick ice cream sundaes together.
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? I think the thing I miss the most is they way he just “got me” - I didn’t have to explain or do anything, we could just be together and be understood. We shared the same humor, and had similar thinking, so we just genuinely enjoyed being together. And his big bear hugs, miss those too.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? Being aware that everyone’s grief journey is different - and can also be evolving and changing all the time. Just because I get one way in the first few months doesn’t mean I’ll feel the same a year later. The most helpful people have recognized that!
Kelly | Attleboro, MA
What is your dad’s name? Ed Simmons
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? He always retold the same stories of his childhood and I would finish them before he could. "Stop me if I told you this one..."
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? I miss his laugh. I miss our talks. I miss sneaking him beers into the nursing home. I miss him swearing under his breath during a baseball game.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? People held space for me and gave me the room to be a mess. They gave me understanding and patience.
Is there anything else you’d like to share? It's hard to talk about him in past tense.
Courtney | Maryland
What is your dad’s name? Ken Jenkins
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? Reading together when I was very small; running together when I was an adult.
What do you miss about your dad? I miss everything about him. His voice, his sense of humor, his love of classic rock, his hugs, the way I could always count on him, the way he took care of friends and family, the pride he took in being a teacher, his constant love and support.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? I wish that people would ask to hear more when I mention a memory of him. I wish they would remember I'm forever changed by losing him.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? "How are you doing?" because it's so vague, and I never feel comfortable opening up because it makes them uncomfortable.
Lauren | London, UK
What is your dad’s name? Robert William Doughty
What would you like to share about your dad? I will always think of my dad as my best friend, and mentor - that person in my life that I could talk to about anything, anytime. He was always there to listen and support with his wisdom learnt from living many lives and adventures. My dad had so many stories to tell – being an active member of alternative culture in the 70’s, tales of hitchhiking from Liverpool to Morocco and fighting cockroaches in cheap hotel rooms, living in the Seychelles, accidentally finding himself in a deal with local mafia in Madagascar trying to buy a casino, moving to Singapore with my mum (where I was born), Myanmar, and eventually back to the UK as a family.
A man who welcomed constant change and challenge, as a way of accepting the unpredictability of life’s events - a just say ‘yes’ kind of person. Something he always used to say to me when I felt unsure on a decision was - “If it doesn’t make you feel at least a little bit nervous, then it’s probably not worth doing!” He lived by the idea to do the things that you want to do, and try not to waste your time doing things you don’t enjoy. Navigating life since he died has been incredibly difficult at times; his loss has left a big hole of grief, which comes in waves. I miss his guidance and calm energy very much, yet when I manage to find strength in my grief moments I try to remind myself that his guidance and energy is actually always within me somewhere, as I am part of him, and his stories.
Alexandra | Israel
What is your dad’s name? Don Mandel
What do you miss (or not miss) about your dad? I miss our weekly calls on Friday where I'd call to say shabbat shalom and then we'd bullshit often for 1-2 hours as I shared about what was going on in my life and my plans for the future. I miss being able to call him for every achievement. It’s hard for me to feel as proud of myself without him being so vocally and clearly proud of me. I miss his jokes and huge laugh, how carefree and chill he was, how I could always lean on him for anything from moral support, constant encouragement and help with anything car/home renovation/practical and logistical in nature. I miss how innately close we were and felt to each other without ever having to vocalize it or make a show of it.
Is there anything else you wish people would ask or that you'd like to share? My dad taught me what it meant to be wholly devoted to family, to love big and effortlessly and about how to enjoy life. He had his priorities straight.
Is there anything you wish people would not ask? I wish they'd ask more about him and how he lived rather than just how he died. He died suddenly, literally dropped dead one day, and I'm just coming to terms with that not only being tragic but traumatic. There aren't any answers in how he died and there never will be. I'd rather focus on how he lived and loved.
Samantha | New York, NY
What is your dad’s name? John
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? When we were touring college campuses in 2011/2012, my dad would always stop and say, "Wow, this must be beautiful in the fall." He was so predictable, but in the best, most comforting way.
What do you miss about your dad? I miss his delicious grilled cheeses, awful dad jokes, and mid-afternoon naps after his early morning golf games.
Joy | Brooklyn, NY
What is your dad’s name? Elmo Donze
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? The time he told me he loved me.
What do you miss about your dad? I miss the opportunity to connect.
What’s something helpful someone did for you after you lost your dad? My two best friends came over the day before I was traveling back to New York from my family’s hometown, and deep-cleaned my apartment and stocked the fridge for me and left a note with all their love.
Emily | Lima, Peru
What is your dad’s name? Kurt Williams
What’s your favorite memory of your dad? My dad took us out on his boat on a perfect Michigan summer day. He used to always say that being on the water was the only thing that made him feel free. We shared that love of water. I always jump in a body of water, no matter how cold. That day was no exception. Lake Michigan is always pretty cold, but that day the water temp was probably 55 degrees. My dad asked me how it was, and I told him it wasn't that bad. So he jumped in. I'll never forget his face when he popped up. It was a mixture of shock (from the cold), betrayal (I wasn't lying!) and a bit of that “I'm going to murder you” stare. He yelled, "OH MY FUCKING GOD. THAT WATER IS FUCKING FREEZING! JESUS CHRIST! Man, I don't know if you got a lot from me, but you got one thing - you talk a lot of shit. And people believe you!" Now, I may have the first bit a little off because I was laughing so hard. But that was my dad. He didn't like something, you'd know. I tried to tell him that jumping in cold water is good for the joints, but he wasn't having it.
I know it seems like an odd thing to remember fondly, but I guess you had to understand my dad. The times he would get mad at us for pulling one over on him were secretly the times I think he was most proud of my brother and I. In a way, he saw his best characteristics manifest in us. He loved making people laugh, pulling pranks on them and appreciating the absurdity of life. When he died, my inbox was flooded with messages from people who told me how much his sense of humor meant to them. When our people are no longer here, the best is to think about what remains in us - and I hope I hold tightly to the silly, the absurd and the shit talking I got from him.